


The Mystery of Robert Downey Jr.

by ThreeHats



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), House M.D.
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 21:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7522984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>House stood up at once, just as the titular character made his first appearance onscreen. He was going to perform one of two actions. The first option was to turn around and throttle the assault rifle out of the talking raccoon's clutches, gunning them both down where they sat and letting their guts spill onto the floor, making it only slightly less clean than it already was. The other was to just leave and download the film illegally. Sure it would hurt the industry, but after tonight, House felt like the industry owed him.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mystery of Robert Downey Jr.

**Characters:** Rocket Raccoon, House  
 **Location:** Movie Theatre  
 **Scenario:** Finding a Secret

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

\--

 

House finished placing his cane underneath his seat and prepared to get as close to comfortable as these poorly maintained movie theatre chairs allowed. The floors were thick with the spillings of the summer blockbuster season. House had witnessed innumerable gruesome surgeries performed on the human anatomy, but none of that made his skin crawl the way a well used movie theatre floor could.

He grumbled to himself as the oppressive atmosphere of teenagers and couch movie critics surrounded him. He'd been accused of being cynical, but one trip to a movie's opening weekend was enough to justify his glass half empty attitude. Here folk sat in a dark room with 3D glasses over their regular glasses, happily having forked over exorbinant amounts of cash for a hot dog and a soda, filing in so they can have their fill of mass marketed entertainment for a hundred and twenty minutes. March in. Be entertained. March out. It was bleak at best, and this was supposed to be the fun part.

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck bristle with irritation, and he felt more than saw the people taking up residence behind him in the dark of the theatre. The previews had already started, and House had already rolled his eyes a total of thirteen times in the space of five minutes - halfway toward his personal record. From somewhere behind him, he heard the sounds of families complaining.

"Can your friend scoot down?"

"C'mon, you gotta be kidding!"

"How are we supposed to see?"

"Hey c'mon! We paid for our seats just like everybody else!" A new voice. This one drenched in bravado, with all the eloquence of an old cudgel. "You got a problem with my bud, you got a problem with me! And if you got a problem with me, you got a problem with this here flargin' plasma assault rifle! And I really don't think you wanna have problems with this top of the line doo-dad!"

House's brow ceased wrinkling for but a moment, and he did something he rarely voluntarily chose to - turned around so he could face another human being. Except that when he did so, he found he wasn't looking at a human being at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. He was looking into the beady eyes of a raccoon. A raccoon in a jumpsuit.

"You're not a human being," House said blankly, and mostly to aggravate the narrator for stealing one of his better lines. "You're quite the opposite. You're a raccoon in a jumpsuit."

"Ten outta ten for observation, darlin'!" Rocket Raccoon spat back, offering a box of small popcorn - which appeared impressively large in the raccoon's tiny appendages - to the fellow sitting next to him, who just so happened to be a tall, anthropomorphic tree. "So why is that the opposite?"

"Come again?" House swallowed, attempting to maintain his steel composure that was his trademark while watching a plant stuff buttered popcorn into his wooden lips. "Why is what the opposite?"

"Raccoon. Human. What's opposite about those things?" Rocket droned, kicking his adorable feet up onto the back of House's chair. House scowled to no effect. This raccoon had obviously dealt with tougher opponents than House's mood. "Hell, whole reason I'm here is cause Quill told me to take in some of these here primitive movin' pictures you guys have. Said it'd make me understand you human beings guys more. Makes me miss holo-techology. The girls gazongas stick out like nobody's business."

House was going to reach for his cane and chase the bizarre hybrid creatures out of the movie theatre, no doubt to rapturous applause from the families who had to sit behind the tree, when he caught a glimpse of the enormous projectile weapon that the raccoon was cradling beneath his medium Dr. Pepper.

"Nothing. They're not. Opposite, I mean," House shrank back into his theatre chair, and cursed silently as he felt the raccoon's tiny paws kicking the back of his chair. It was the worst of both an airplane experience and a movie theatre experienced crossed with an episode of the Twilight Zone. In a way, he was blessed - Wilson was going to get hours of entertainment out of this story.

"Look at these stupid things," Rocket gestured wildly at the enormous IMAX screen in front of them. "I feel like I gotta squint to even know what's happening." House cringed and bit his tongue. "And look at those cheap effects! Don't they know in space you can't hear no explosions or laser fire or whatever that's supposed to be? Highly inaccurate."

"I am Groot," spoke the tree in a deep, guttural voice. House wondered if the tree was trying to introduce itself to him. Either way, he chose not to respond in kind.

"You got a point there," Rocket agreed with his botanic brother. "Your insight into the history of galactic cinema never ceases to impress me, Groot old buddy."

The film started up and House breathed a sigh of relief, assuming it would silence the commentary he was being exposed to under duress. It did not. By the time the logo for Sherlock Holmes 3: Moriarty's Revenge came on the screen, House was on the verge of exploding upon the two in the peanut gallery.

"Sherlock? What kinda name is that? And that's comin' from someone whose best friend is called Groot! No offense, pal."

"I am Groot."

"Good to hear."

House stood up at once, just as the titular character made his first appearance onscreen. He was going to perform one of two actions. The first option was to turn around and throttle the assault rifle out of the talking raccoon's clutches, gunning them both down where they sat and letting their guts spill onto the floor, making it only slightly less clean than it already was. The other was to just leave and download the film illegally. Sure it would hurt the industry, but after tonight, House felt like the industry owed him.

"Wait! Look! Isn't that!" Rocket cried out, pointing past House and up at the movie screen. House turned also and focused upon the face of Robert Downey Jr as the character of Sherlock Holmes, another phenomenal performance no doubt. "That's... what's his name, Stark! Tony Stark! Yeah!"

"Don't be ridicu..." House began. But the more he looked, the more he noticed. Yes. Robert Downey Jr's face and Tony Stark's held a lot in common. Too much, in fact, for it to be a coincidence. No, he thought. It could not be a coincidence. Quite the opposite, in fact.

"That's no coincidence," House declared to the room full of people who were already throwing popcorn at him to get him to sit down. "Quite the opposite, in fact. Ladies and gentlemen. Robert Downey Jr. IS Tony Stark."

The audience fell to a hushed silence. Only one voice spoke in quiet awe of House's revelation.

"I am Groot."


End file.
